Just a quick update because there is a lot going on at the moment.  The doctor's visit went well.  I did lose weight (3 lb) this month, and he's happy I'm moving in the right direction.  So am I.  I opted for a small adjustment to make the band a little tighter to restrict my consumption a little more, and hopefully by the time I see them again in January, I'll be down 5-10 lb.  That would be really nice.

Also a mental note - my scale registers about 2-2.5 pounds lower than the doctor.  I checked before and after my appointment to confirm.  We'll file this under things that are good to know.

So today we're going to the gym.  We have an appointment with a trainer who will hopefully be helpful (can you sense my skepticism?) in helping us both formulate a work out plan that will give us the best results.  So between now and 7 PM, I need to figure out what my fitness goals really are.  I have some vague ideas, but I'm going to try to articulate here, and since we know I'm good at 3s, maybe I'll just start there ...

1. Lose weight.
2. Increase endurance.
3. Increase flexibility.

Lose weight.  This one is pretty self explanatory.  I need to drop excess weight for many reasons.  I'm genetically at risk for developing Diabetes.  My body and joints hurt from all the weight.  I hate the way I look and feel because I'm obese.  I don't want to be embarrassed about how huge and flabby my arms are anymore.  I want to feel better about the way I look so I can bring back that sassy woman that wooed my future husband in the first place!  Also, when the baby factory opens, it's going to be a far easier and healthier pregnancy if I weigh less.  Losing weight will do wonders for my overall physical health AND my emotional health.  I'll feel better about me and maybe I can learn to see me the way my future husband does instead of the horribly negative way I see myself now.

Increase endurance.  I want to be the Energizer Bunny.  The Energizer Bunny doesn't get winded going up a flight of stairs.  I used to not get winded, but my recent weight gain has really taken a toll.  I also do a lot of craft shows in the fall and winter and having the endurance to get through it without taking a day afterwards to recover would be nice.  Then there's my annual volunteering at Fertile Ground Gathering each May - I need to be able to run all over that park like no one's business for 5 days and not feel like I'm dying half way into the first day.  Also, there will be kids in the future.  How the heck am I going to keep up with the kids if I can't run?  ZOMG and dancing.  I'd like to be able to rock out some Lindy Hop for a few songs without dying or getting horribly winded.

Increase flexibility.  I don't want or need to be a pretzel lady, but I enjoy Yoga and when I do it, I have to modify most poses because of my lack of flexibility.  I also can't freaking touch my toes because the muscles and tendons in my legs are so tight they're screaming when I reach to my ankles.  I don't know if there's any medical advantage to being more flexible (like I need scientific justification?), but I want to be more flexible than I am today and really that's all that matters.

Tell me your goals.  What do you want from your body that you don't have today?

We all know *those* people.  The ones who tout how wonderful it is to be eating healthy all of a sudden, exercising, dropping pounds, gaining muscle and general awesomeness like it flowed out of the faucet.  They're lying.  Every single one of them.  But there is valid science and psychology behind the "fake it until you make it" thing.  But really?  *Those* people are all over.  They waive their "I'm so healthy and it's the easiest, most rewarding thing on the planet" flag with such fervor that it's both annoying and makes me question their honesty.  These folks are in your life, they're all over the Internet and Facebook and TV ... everywhere.  And the people like me who are at the beginning (or re-beginning) of the struggle to get a firm grasp of health and extra awesomeness can't help but feel like failures before we even start.  At least I do.  I look at what needs to change in my life and it's overwhelming.  And I can't talk to anyone about it because the advice is always the same:  "just DO it, just eat better, just exercise, just blah blah blah."  But think about it.  I mean really think about it.  Can anyone flip a switch to change a lifetime of habit?  Yeah sure!  If you want it to change for a week and go back to the way things were before immediately.  But long term change?  That's intimidating, overwhelming, scary, stressful ...

So what do I know from past experiences?  I've written several things out, and I'm sure there's loads more, but here's a good start.

17 Things I've Learned While Trying to Lose Weight and Be Healthy
1. Being tight on money makes it hard to eat healthy.  Junk food and fast food is cheaper than Real food more often than not.

2. Being tight on time makes it hard to eat healthy.  Cooking meals from scratch takes time.  Grocery shopping takes time.  Fast food is ... well ... fast.

3. After giving up almost all soda a few years back (I say almost all, because Coke or ginger ale can be calming to an upset tummy), I found that when I did drink my soda of choice, Coke, I felt bloated, run down, and generally gross afterwards.

4. After giving up most fast food back in 2008, I find 99% of it disgusting now.  It tastes and smells horrible to me.  My only exception is Chipotle.  I still have a love affair with Chipotle.  And when I forget how gross it is and get something to eat at a drive-thru, I regret it because it tastes bad and I feel gross afterwards.  More bloating, run down, upset stomach, and usually heart burn.

5. I don't like most fruits and veggies.  And if I really don't like something and force myself to eat it, there will be uncontrollable horking.  I want to like more fruits and veg, and I'm gradually trying things I haven't before.  Apparently Brussels sprouts are OK and they kind of taste like broccoli to me. 

6. Grand sweeping changes won't last and are not livable.  Though I have found that if I make 3 small changes and keep at them for a month, then it's a lot easier to stick to those small changes than trying to live a completely different lifestyle all at once.  By small changes I mean: drink 2 more glasses of water per day, take a multivitamin daily, and have fast food half as often as usual.  Then the next month, you make 3 more changes and so on.

7. I'm afraid of succeeding.  This one sounds ridiculous, but it's true.  There's a lot of baggage here going back to my childhood.  When children suffer trauma, it creates deep programming that is often unpredictable and very difficult to change.  My fat is my shield (or so says child-brain).  Adult brain knows this is silly, but try reasoning with a toddler.  Or a cat.

8. I have a lot more energy when I exercise and weigh less.  I feel better physically, and I'm happier too.

9. I am comfortable in my current routine and with the food I eat, and I want to magically lose weight without changing anything.  The sad truth is that magic doesn't work like this and neither does sloth.  I know I'm going to have to change my routines and eating habits.  I'm going to have to be uncomfortable and do things I don't want to do.  I've heard rumors that this is what being an "adult" or "responsible" is, but I don't wanna. <tantrum> *flail* </tantrum>

10. I want to feel better.  I want to have more stamina.  I don't want to ache because of the extra weight I'm carrying around.  I want to like my body.

11. I want to live to see my grandchildren.  Heck, I want to have children so I can have grandchildren!  This is a big one for me.  This is the "why now" answer.  I want a baby.  I know I need to be healthier to be a good baby-maker.  And then after making said baby, I need to be a healthy mom so I can keep up with this new person and take epically good care of them.

12. I can't do it alone.  Or maybe I won't.  I can't tell right now.  But I need a partner.  I need someone in this WITH me who will suffer along side of me and follow the same rules I do or I feel like it's a slap in the face.  I feel like my wants are trash if I'm the only one playing by the rules.  It makes me feel like they don't care about me, that I'm not important.  If I'm cutting out all junk food, so should they.  If I'm doing X, so should they.  I don't know why I put so much emphasis on my partner doing exactly what I'm doing for diet and exercise.  When I figure it out, I'll let you know.

13. The heavier I am, the less I want sex.  It's not because sex is less enjoyable, it's because the more I weigh, the more I hate myself.  I feel disgusting.  It's hard to feel sexy and be turned on when I'm obsessed with how bad I feel about myself.

14. When I gain weight, I feel like a failure and I beat myself up about it.  Constantly.

15. I like to dance.  I love swing dancing, Dance Dance Revolution, and generally dancing like a crazy person to good music around the house.

16. I also like Aikido and Yoga.  I hate that I don't have enough money or hours in the week to do things like this and I know I won't do it at home.

17. I want knowledgeable help, but I don't want it from one of *those* people.  I don't want rainbows and glitter spewing out with advice to make everything sound so easy and wonderful.  Life changes aren't easy and wonderful.  Especially not at the beginning.  It sucks and I want someone with a brain and a firm sense of reality.  I don't have hope that this person exists.

So what's the point of all this?  I'm 36, getting married, I'm dying to have a baby, and I don't like the way I feel (physically or emotionally).  I'll blame my yet-to-be-conceived child for all of it.  I want to be healthy and I want my baby to be healthy, and I want to live a long time to spend as much time as possible with this child and their children.  And I want all of these things for my future husband too.  Reality is that if I continue down the road I'm walking, that's not going to happen.  So I have to change.  Period.  And it's going to suck.  Period.  But I'm going to chronicle the suck and hopefully after some time, that suck will change to "not so bad" and then "OK" ... is there something better than OK?  I'll let you know if I get there.  I have far more questions than answers today.  I hope to answer some along the way.

My plans for the near future are this: Go mostly paleo (please, like I can give up dairy cold turkey!), continue working with my doctor to monitor my weight and overall health, get off my ass and go to the gym - I'm paying for the membership after all!

Go ahead and share your stories too.  Stories about *those* people.  Stories about successes and failures.  What made things easier?  What sucked the most?  I want to hear from you ... just no spewing rainbows and glitter unless you're a unicorn ... in which case, how are you typing with those hooves?